Reflecting on Reflections of Sex & Love

“Am I the Last Virgin? Ten African American Reflections On Sex & Love”

by Tara Roberts

“Unfortunately not all young-adult black women claim positive experiences. Many remain confused about their bodies, uncertain about their roles in relationships, and in doubt about the ways to empower themselves sexually charged life-threatening situations. This lack of discussion threatens the very fabric of young women’s lives.”

This excerpt from Tara’s introduction expresses the very reason sexual health education is vital for every human being - the absence of it is life-threatening.

Painfully so, I can relate to many of the stories within this compilation. When I reflect my teens and early twenties, I would have benefited from sound advice about love, relationships and sex. I needed to hear someone validate my feelings and my fears surrounding my emotions and bodily reactions to those emotions. Knowing that I was not the only person confronting challenges in love and sex could have saved me from so much shame, guilt and heartache, the feelings I have carried for most of my adult life. I am still actively working that pain out of my body and mind, which is why, in some capacity, I find my 13-, 17- 20-,and 30-year-old self on EVERY SINGLE PAGE of this book. To be a woman in this world, is to feel, whole-heartedly, the pain of EVERY woman that has ever existed, exists and has yet to be born.

Discussions about sex, love and relationships should never stop, they should always begin, continue for years, just to begin once more. With the changing times, there is always more to learn, more to do, more to unlearn and more to heal from. Evolution is the name of the game.

The importance of social experiences has no measure, it is truly a necessity to our well-being and sense of belonging on Earth.

Sex, love and relationships differs for every person. I affirm that my purpose is to be a guidepost, a pillar for any person who feels isolated, afraid and indifferent about their experiences and circumstances. I want to provide them with comfort, compassion and support, everything I needed but did not receive. Not because I was not loved -- I have always been loved and still continue to be. Not because I did not have trustworthy adults around me, I did. Though there were many reasons that kept me from sharing my feelings as a young person, I ultimately did not receive comfort, compassion and support because I was afraid of being punished, judged and ridiculed for my feelings and actions toward sex.

I was afraid of being “dirty;” I was not sure my thoughts and feelings were normal or if I would be loved despite the changes I was experiencing. After all, the only sex talk I ever received was “Don’t get pregnant!” and information about sexually transmitted diseases and the reproductive system from the male high school football coach (who happened to be every girl's crush).

So you see, at the very least we need to TALK to our youth, judgment-free with the awareness of the issues they face in today’s world and the willingness to be vulnerable enough to share our own experiences. This establishes a foundation of trust, connectivity and an unbreakable bond of relatability. Our duty is to share what we know, how we walked through pleasurable and painful experiences surrounding sex, love and relationships. Let us expose ourselves to our fragile youth, so they can understand that they have choices and can trust themselves to make the best ones that encourage a healthy, happy lifestyle.

Everyone should read this book. People from all walks of life could benefit from the strength and unique perspectives in these stories. Pain is pain, no matter who experiences it.

I want to share some excerpts from Am I the Last Virgin? as Tara recounts her journey into womanhood and the longing for ever present, sensual experiences that did not come. As a result of the lack of intimacy in her experiences with men, her “virginity” or rather, “sexual debut, was put on a heavy pause. I admire her confidence, imagination and determination for all the things she values and desires in sex and love.

Thank you to Tara and all the women who shared their stories.

Introduction - Tara Roberts

“Read this book at night in bed, with only the comfort of your covers and a flashlight, so you can laugh, cry, and know you’re not alone in this struggle...Some have navigated through murky waters, but all have emerged into a warmth that requires strength and calls forth the power from within...As sisters we must share our stories, the pain, the joy, the sadness, and the laughter. Only then will we build bridges for those still struggling to make it home to their strength.”

The first story in the book recounts Tara’s experiences as a young black girl navitagiting love and sex. I am not sure of her age at the time she wrote this book but Tara explained that her mother did her best to raise a confident and sexually happy person. This seemed to shape Tara in carefully choosing what kind of physical interactions she was willing to partake in. It also gave her permission to explore her mind and understand what she does and does not like. She speaks on stereotypes, her first memories of discovering her sensuality and almost losing her virginity.

Tara speaks on how she decided early on that she would remain a virgin. Seeing womyn cry about infidelity and the sweet-talk from men turned her off from sex.

“Their (boys) refusal to uphold visions of female sexuality that were more about “getting some” made me decide early on that I wanted to be in control of and empowered by my sexuality. I did not want to be involved with anyone that did not reinforce the positive, life-affirming image I had constructed of myself. ”

On men feeding into sexual stereotypes, just like women do.

“These brothers weren’t “dogs”; they were just like all of us in high school - sisters included -- working through their own insecurities, and, unfortunately, buying into stereotypical negative notions of maleness.”

Tara’s self-awareness promotes good choices.

“For me, the introduction into the sensual world began early. I remember at my first house parties the music pounding continuously, the repetitive raw bass and the drum lines over and over again as we kids sweated and gyrated against walks and in corners to the unrelenting beat. The music taught sensuality without intercourse; it forced us to concentrate on expressing, through dance moves, the way the music made us feel...It was glorious --- divine.”

“I like to be held and caressed softly. The hairs on my back rise whenever I feel the brush of bristly hairs against my neck. I love to explore --- to kiss eyelashes, to rub my smooth face against a rough bearded one.”

When Tara almost loses her virginity. Listening to your body is a key component in learning to choose yourself in every situation .

“ I tried to slow him down. I searched for his soul in those beautiful eyes...I tried touching and exploring him, hoping he would understand that we had all night under that magical Zimbabwean sky. But soon after, without touching me at all, he was ready again. Thank goodness my body had better sense than I did: My pelvis refused to let him enter..Afterward, I lay there hugging my knees, listening to him snoring, as tears ran down my face.”

You get what you want, when you know what you want and what you don’t want. A Fact.

“I dream of gentleness, of walking through the city with my lover and having him point out the single flower that has pushed its way through the cracks of the cement sidewalk. I want to explore, touch, and discover my body, his body, and all the wonders of lovemaking. “

Tara explains how women in her time are liberating themselves. Her observations still ring true to this day and we have made leaps and bounds when it comes to our sensual and sexual liberation. The world is learning that people are multifaceted and creating safe spaces for people to be themselves, serves all of us and comes back tenfold.

“My girlfriends are now talking about orgasms and masturbation. Women are discovering their bodies and letting brothers know it’s not just about them getting theirs. They’re touching themselves and demanding that guys touch them, too.”

A good spin on “Virgin.” Who knew? Thanks Tara.

“The word virgin was derived from a Latin root, Virgo, meaning strength, force and skill. I like that/ My ideal woman is a woman with her tightly coiled ‘fro, and taut - but not waifish-- body in the tropical isles, giving and receiving physical pleasure, and in charge of her own soul.”

It is safe to say that I will never think of sex in the same way. Tara’s story has healed and brought relief to the young girl inside of me that felt ashamed in her decisions around love, sex and relationships.

Thank you Ms. Roberts.